Sunday, September 4, 2011

Identity Crisis

So, I'm having an bit of an identity crisis. My entire astrological life, I've been lead to believe I was Pisces rising. A Neptune baby. It made so much sense to me. My daydreaming, sensitivity, propensity to be trapped in self-delusion and escapism, a tendency to abuse drugs and alcohol, etc. Apparently all of these things can be explained away by other aspects, though, particularly the close Sun square Neptune aspect (another post for another time). Because I am forever after NOT a Pisces rising, I am an Aquarius rising. You heard it here first.

Those of you who know me best know how earth-shattering this is. LOL. I have a very shaky relationship with all things Aquarius (there's a story behind that). Quite despise the Uranus-ruled, actually. But perhaps Uranus has been trying to tell me something all rules my chart after all. My new chart astounds me actually. Uranus appears quite prominently now. It is closely conjuncts my Midheaven. Eureka! That explains my interest in astrology. Actually, if I maintain my interest in the stars, it will be a blessing, as that is a prominent placement for gifted astrologers.

There is a story behind this sudden turnaround, of course. Ah. There's that word. Sudden. Uranus rules chaos, change, suddenness, and disorder. It enters my life abruptly and decides to turn everything around. Of course it does. 

I knew how important birth time was to astrology. I begged my mother to remember when I was born. "A quarter after 6" she said. Knowing the inaccuracy of times on the hour and quarter of the hour, I chose 6:11 PM as my original birth time. It "felt" right. Going by feelings. Quite the Piscean trait. That gave me an Ascendant of 3' Pisces. I carried that for a year or so until I met my "ex" (for lack of a better term). We had incredible synastry (or so I thought) but it would be so much better if I was born a only a few minutes earlier. I went back to my mother and begged her be more certain. "Are you sure it was 6:15? Could it be a little earlier? Where's my birth certificate?!" I needed 3 fewer degrees for perfect conjunction to his Sun. I wanted that so badly. I was a synastry addict! I begged and pleaded and finally my mother conceded that it may have been "a little after 6". Fine then. 6:04 PM it was. That gave me the conjunction to his Ascendant I wanted. For my first professional reading, I gave the astrologer that birth time with the justification that my parent had located my birth certificate and that's the time it said. I swallowed that little white lie with pure gumption and that's the time I've carried for YEARS. Synastry and composite readings up the wazoo with 6:04 PM as my birth time,  all in the name of love, for an "ex" to whom I no longer even speak...silly Neptune tendencies...

Part of the reason I was able to justify this behavior was because I remember seeing my original birth certificate once. My mother used to keep important documents in a briefcase in her closet and I rifled through it when I was about 9 years old. I recall seeing my father's full name on it (that's how I know his middle name was Earl and that he was born in Houston, TX--another post for another day) and there WAS a birth time on it and it DID contain a number 4. I have an excellent memory. This number "4" would be confirmed later in life, but in the meantime, I justified the 6:04 PM birth time due to this memory. That original Virginia birth certificate has long since vanished, and replacement copies do NOT contain a birth time. This is why my actual birth time has remained a mystery for all these years. One would think that I could rely on the memory of my mother but...apparently not. In her defense, it was a difficult few moments in the immediate aftermath. I would love to ask my grandmother, who possessed an excellent memory like myself and would have undoubtedly remembered such a monumental occasion (that is not arrogance speaking, my birth marked a highlight in her life) but sadly she passed away in 2006, before I developed a deep interest in astrology.

So how DID I discover my true birth time? I had a feeling that things weren't adding up. My mother just never sounded quite "sure" of my birth time and the 0' Pisces Ascendant, while lovely, just seemed too convenient and guilt-inducing. So I asked my mother for my birth time again one day just to test her and she told me 4 PM! A difference of 2 hours! That is HUGE in astrology! This devastated me and we got into an argument about it, and finally she told me to ask her cousin, Saundra, the family historian, who came to the hospital to see me shortly after I was born. Saundra is another who possesses the memory of an elephant, and can recite occassions going back to the age of 3. That is pretty impressive considering she is now in her 60s. She is extremely reliable, and can be trusted to remember events like births. I asked her, and she replied without hesitation, that I was born shortly before 5 PM. I pressed her for accuracy, and she spouted that she left for the hospital around 5 PM after having received the call from my grandmother a few minutes prior that I had "just been born", and counting backwards, allowing for a few minutes of excitement and celebration and talking on the phone, I calculated that I was born between 4:45 and 4:50 PM. Saundra concurred that sounded "perfect." Phew! That does jive with my mother's non-drug induced memory of going into labor around 2 PM and it being a VERY short labor.

Thus, I have given myself a birth time of 4:47 PM. It should be accurate within 5 minutes, and that's good enough for me. That gives me an Ascendant of 4' Aquarius with a Sabian of
" A Council Of Ancestors Has Been Called to Guide A Man." This Sabian is so meaningful to me, especially at this time in my life. Using Spirit as my guide, I feel this is my correct Ascendant degree. I will use this from now on. It changes a lot, it's very unsettling, but...I'll have to work with it. According to Lynda Hill, this degree speaks of inner knowledge, instruction, direct roots to deep sources of energy, karmic connections with the past, the place one comes from, ancient wisdom vs. "old fogies", parents and grandparents, family and family lineage, proving bloodlines, committees, boards and councils, memories of those who've gone before, the Akashic Records. I have had experiences with all of these things, including a dream as a CHILD about an encounter with Akasha. It can't get any clearer than that.

Again, I recall seeing "4" on my original birth certificate. If I'm not mistaken, there was a 4:4X. Ironic that I can remember this now and not when I was in the throes of love and desperately wanting that 6:04 PM synastry with the "ex" but whatever. If I'm totally honest with myself, I always felt uncomfortable with the fudging and my mother's drugged up recollection but I went with it. get to the crux of this post, I have gone from a 3' Pisces Ascendant, to 0' Pisces, to 4' Aquarius. Revolution. Change. Upheaval. Truly Uranian manifestations. I have been grappling with the potentiality of this new Aquarian ascendant for almost a year and finally accepted it today. It explains my distancing somewhat from astrology. It has taken me some time to come to terms with not being a Pisces rising. The Aquarian identity makes sense to me in some ways, but in others, it is totally alien. Although it does explain why I've always been an oddball...!

Here is a description of Aquarius Rising that resonates with me the most:

Aquarius Rising is all about transformation of consciousness and sharing of knowledge and information that is "truth inspired" bring light to the world by doing our bit to build bridges between people and communities. We continously endeavor to grow, heal, learn, explore and expand and in doing so pass the knowledge that we gain onto those that seek it.

And another, from Cafe Astrology, my favorite Astrology site:

How unique and original Aquarius rising natives come across! These individuals are just that -- individuals, and they won't let you forget that fact. Often turned to for advice, these natives possess intellectual poise and savvy. They often are curious, and quite learned, in both science and metaphysics--anything that involves advancement of the human race holds much appeal.

It's hard to shock an Aquarius rising. They've seen it all, or at least want you to think they have. In fact, they often enjoy shocking others. Not that they are flamboyant by nature, but they do like to, albeit quietly, get a rise out of others. Some natives born with Aquarius on their Ascendant can be quietly provocative and irreverent.

Most people with this Ascendant are quite friendly and likable. Their personality quirks generally go over quite well with others. They generally give others quite a bit of freedom--accepting, as a rule, people from all walks of life as equals. And, their somewhat cool and detached curiosity about all that goes on around them appeals to most. 

Curiously, Aquarius rising people can be a little standoffish while also coming across as humanitarian and kind. Often labeled as independent and original children, Aquarius rising natives often feel a little "different" or "special" throughout life. They often feel like they are on the outside looking in, and their ability to observe and deduce is often uncanny. They're also adept at getting things to work, even when the parts that make up the whole seem like a puzzle with unusual pieces--especially when it comes to groups of people. This sets them apart as managers and team leaders.

The Ascendant often reveals physical mannerisms and even choice of dress, as it shows how people present themselves to the world. With Aquarius here, natives sometimes have a quirkiness to their manner, and some dress in a slightly offbeat manner--not enough to make them stand out like a sore thumb, but just enough to express their original temperament.

Because these people seem so open to new ideas, it may be surprising when you encounter their decidedly stubborn streak. Aquarius is a fixed sign, after all. The ascendant sign shows how individuals react to new situations, and with Aquarius rising, there can be a resistance to change that seems to belie the native's generally progressive nature. There's a distinct inflexibility with Aquarian rising people, and, sometimes, a tendency to want to force their opinions on others.

With their eye to the future of mankind as a whole, some people born with an Aquarius Ascendant overlook the more personal needs of the people closest to them. They are often attracted to partners who possess self-confidence and ardor.

Much truth in the above.

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